I am done with the emoing and all.. At least I am more sure of it than the last time. Couple days back , Wicky passed me Ophelia's AMC certificate.Gave me a lift to lot one. As Usual , Mr nice guy.haha...but was rather mad at MH ( MathsHub , although I am rather used to calling it mental hospital , considering all the mental torture that I am subjected to )cos wicky told me that the reason I was deprived of an afternoon of massage and rest was not because of his kaypohness but because of Anna .If I had known earlier , I would have just gone down and taken it myself. I hate it when my friends are used as postman . And I hate it even worse when they are bullied and I can't do anything. But oh well... heck...I ain't going to see him again anyway..So, anyway, emoing and all are done. have been busy preparing for my application into the various unis and all...actually to tell you the truth , I haven't exactly decided whether to transfer over or not. But it's ok ..1 step at a time. my goal now is to do my best and get 1st class . now talking about that , I have this weird thing going on in me. 2 voices. both encouraging but 1 voice tells me to go well so that i can destroy MH and make Candy and gang bankrupt . the other, telling me to do my best because that would pave my future. that's cute. 1 negative, the other positive .like batteries...hehe..Anyways...we shall see how they go..maybe they will fight...or not? haha..

The one thing that gave me sunshine in this otherwise tragic and gloomy day was the fact that I passed my final evaluation today. It was my first try and I only practiced for an hour to familiarise myself with the questions. I passed it. Amazing right? It just shows that I am smart. But other than that, it was a simply gloomy and tense day. haiz...

Today , I felt as if I had gone back in time to the 1970s when the USSR was still in existence. The time when the world was embroiled in tense relations which we now recognise as the Cold War. One night changes everything. This morning , I woke up to silence. For those of you who knew how fustrsted I have been the past few days due to all the quarreling that my parents were having, this silence should be a godsend to me. However, this was not to be. My day has just gotten worse. My parents are now engaged in cold war. Cold war .. I just couldn't care so long as it doesn't affect me but my dad made his unhappiness known in an unpleasant way . And I just dunno what to do or say. Serious. He purposely leaves the house in a mess, feed my fish (I didn't even ask him to touch my fish!) so much when he knows that doing so would cause their death ( he was the one who told me so !)and even switches on the television when we are studying and the study table's in front of the tv! I mean all these actions just make me hate him even more. And he thinks by doing so , he could bring me over to his side ? DOn't be stupid ! I just hate him. Simply hate him. I hate him for causing all this problems, for making it so difficult for me to study. I can't concentrate on my work . In fact , what with all the times they drag me into their fights , I can't even put my head to the books! Ijust hate him! Can't he at least spend a thought for me? I need to do well so as to be able to pay my loan. Why can't they just leave me alone? Anyway, enough of these. Their hot war became cold war and the atmosphere is so tense at home that you just dunno when the time bomb would explode.It's scary. And tiring.waiting for the next strike. This is even worse than yesterday. Not knowing what ruthless measure that old man is gonna take. I dunno how much I can stand this. I just feel so fustrated , so stressed I just dunno how long I can stand this. I really dunno...

My parents just had a fight today. Basically it was the same old story of my dad being unreasonable and my mum trying to pry out answers from him. He even went to the extent of almost laying his hands on my mum. That was super scary but thank god it was a close shave . He didn't beat her up in the end. phew.. don't want to have to have blood on my hands you see... As I mentioned in my earlier posts, my mum went to the law firm to get a DOS and my dad agreed in front of the family and his sister to sign this DOS provided it is only activated when he commits another adultery . There is a clause in the DOS that states so. However, today, he changed his mind and declared that he would never sign the DOS. He even told the family in the face that he doesn;t regret his actions of committing an affair . Furthermore, the reason he commits this affair was because of the family. Amazingly , this is the 3rd time that he committed an adultery and somehow, this is the same reason. I still can remember the day when I was around 2 or 3 years old when I caught my mum in her room sobbing to herself . The reason as I later found out a few years later was because of an affair that my dad committed. That day , I was young. I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could do then was hug her.But that day stays forever in my mind. Today, history repeats itself. I could do something about it now. I went to seek legal advice . I introduced my mum to a lawyer who's my friend's mum . I consoled her , gave her advice and all. But somehow, I always felt that I don't seem to be doing enough . That this problem doesn't seem to be solved no matter what I tried to do. While, I am trying to solve this crisis , inside of me , I really feel helpless. Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry because no matter how much I try to do , it just doesn't seem to be of any use. Somehow, I am back to the day when I was just a kid trying to figure out how to solve this problem. This fight is just not getting better and it always always make me feel so emotionally vulnerable . I can't tell anyone my sorrows . Imagine just saying , hey my dad just had an affair and i aint feeling too good about it. care to lend me your shoulder? People would think i am insane. I can't just hug anyone and cry because there's no one!! My brother just doesn't care and nobody seems to know what I am going through . I just wanna cry . This episode has caused me to be so insecure ,to be unable to trust. I feel all twisted up inside and I just don't know. When I just can't stand it , I just curl up in a corner of my room and just cry . If this goes on, I swear I am going to go insane from all their quarrels and from all these emotions twisting inside. I can't stand it anymore. I really can't ....