Went down to the law firm today with mom to get the deed of separation (DOS). When I saw the DOS , I realised how powerful this document is. 1 word from either party and this DOS is activated. Somehow , this DOS brought the old fears nagging back to me.If I didnt say anything , maybe it wouldnt come to this , i mean after all : ignorance is bliss. maybe , if i had controlled my impulse, maybe if i had not been so stupid and opened my mouth maybe.. maybe maybe maybe...and somehow the emotional turmoil within me just washed over me and I feel my heart ache at what may or maynot happen . The future is so fragile. No one knows what's gonna happen and i feel that its all the more so for me. If the DOS is activated , then what will happen? I dunno I am for once helpless and lost in this storm . Wicky once said that I am too smart for my own good. It was meant as a joke to counter my self-praise but I think maybe that remark was right for once. I am too smart for my own good. Seriously, so smart until an action I thought was good turned out to have such disastrous consequences. Life is so weird huh? 1 press to a button and my life turns upside down . 1 word and my life is shattered to pieces. I am too smart . A small action with a big impact . Usually , the smallest actions have the greatest impact . hah.Sometimes , I wonder if maybe all these people were right. I was the hand that caused things to come to such a pass . I was just too smart for my own good . I dunno. Just seeing this DOS brings all the uncertainities and fears back. And the thought of it makes me feel helpless. What to do ? What to do? I dont want to go through that pain and emotional stress that I experienced at the start of the year. I just dont know what to do . It's like a wave of pain and emotional turmoil thats attempts to pull me into that whirlpool where everything becomes nothing and all emotions felt are misery and pain and just pain . I dunno . I want to cry but I cant...I wait for the time when judgment day come and the uncertainity and fear will turn into pain , fears and numbness. I know it will come . I just dont know when. I just dont know how painful it will be.Its like a timebomb ticking except i will not know how big the impact the explosion will be. Numbness. Let numbness wash over me or better still when the day comes, let me sleep and never wake up.