Today , I went to the law firm to attend a meeting with Liwen's mum who is a lawyer. She was a nice person and she went through the grounds of divorce with my mom . She persuaded mom not to divorce and instead also spoke to her about all the other options that we can do . She also mentioned to me that I should try to forgive my father. After the meeting , I just felt so down . The numbness has come back. Went to Mathshub to get my payslip. By then , it was already 845pm . Hoped to meet Wicky and get my lipstick back but he was having lesson then . Anyway, didn't see him , felt even more down . Seems like the effect is not gone . you see, like Alex, Wicky has this ability to perk me up when I am down . But anyway , didn't see him... send him a message but because I was so down , the msg was in short form . He msged me back saying that he didn't understand what I was saying ...but oh well... I so wanted to call him and cry over the phone. but think it was good that I didn't . guy thinks I am crazy now . can be seen from the fact that he didn't answer my smses after that first message. But oh well... I miss Alex , I miss Aman , I miss Gerald . I miss all my bros from JC . At least , they would have known what to do... but oh well... Anyway, saw uncle Mike and Aunty Anna today . They felt so awkward around me especially Uncle Mike . I could sense it and I didn't want to make things worse . I mean it's after all candy's fault so why drag them down the drain? Besides , they have given me training and opportunities that made me more valuable in the eyes of the kids parents . So in a way , they helped me.Besides , even if I want to say something , I was so so down , I had no mood to do anything . I still feel numb , I still feel helpless, but so? My life is in the hands of God. Anyway , yesterday , Neha saw shan and she commented that shan was very arrogant . I knew that , but I couldn't be bothered ...she will leave me alone soon when she finds new kids to bother. besides , she has never treated me as a friend so i don't really care. i am just indifferent to many things after this episode. i just cant really be bothered with some things in life . After all , what more can you expect from me? Family broken , heart broken , life broken all in the pace of 3 months. I am just numb to many things. The numbness is still there . I hope it will just go away....or maybe just let me sleep in peace and never wake up huh?

My mum is finally getting a divorce. It was a matter of sooner or later and I knew that because I was the one who introduced the lawyer to her. And I must say that I am rather glad that she finally made a decision after hesitating for 3 months. You have no idea how tiring it is . Quarrels, fights, kids being pulled in , things were broken , pictures torn , burnt and stabbed. And god forbid if I should ever forget , the episode of each parent trying to end their own life. It was emotionally draining for each of us and for me, I think it was most draining on my brother. He has to ensure that nothing happened to the ladies of the family , worry about keeping our family financially afloat and suffer all the hurt and trauma that my parents or , more specifically my dad forced on the 3 of us. For me, I was drained emotionally . Add on to the fact , that now , I really have to bear the consequences of what my dad had said. I was partly the hand that broke the family up. I know you guys would say that my dad was the one who broke the family up because of his affairs , so what if I discovered the affair by accident . But don't you see, it was partly my fault , because if I had found out about it but kept quiet , maybe nothing would have happened. or maybe , if I had found out about it and instead of alerting my mom ,if I had confronted him myself or got my brother to confront him , maybe it wouldn't come to this. I really don't know what to do . Sometimes, I wonder if I had not been so curious , if I had not alerted my mum ,maybe all these wouldn't have happened. From that moment when I pressed that button out of curiousity , my life went upside down . Sometimes, when all these thoughts , all these doubts filled my head , I just so wanna sit in a corner , roll myself into an insignificant ball and just cry . Just cry my heart out But life goes on and like Zach said no matter what obstacles you face, the show must go on and life like a theatre production has to go on . And it has to be done with the same brightness and cheerfulness that I had before all these. Someone said that I would regret ever being happy that my parents were divorced . I will definately be sad because after all despite all , he was the man who provided for us. He was the guy who stayed with us since we were born. We had after all spent many happy times together. It's just that the happy times were lesser than the sad times.Who wouldn't be sad to part? But if it would end all the emotional pain and suffering that the kids are going through now , then so be it. Someone also told me that our lady boss has mood swings because she's moody . I have only one sentence to say . maybe she should compare her life to mine . For the past 3-4 months, my dreams has been shattered , my life thrown into chaos , my family's broken into pieces , my parents divorced and me being accused of destroying the family . And yet , I go to work with a smile , and endure all the scoldings and work that they throw at me . What right does she have to treat me as a punching bag and force me to leave? What right? Her life is so much better than mine and she is older than me and more harderned to the world. If she can throw tantrums then I think I have the right to throw my temper around since my life's worse than hers. Now ,I am worried. My sis and I may become the custody of either my mom or dad . And we both will also have a possibility of being thrown around like a football. The worst scenario would be ward of state and I really don't know what to do. For the first time or maybe one of the few times in my life, I am truly lost . Dreams gone. Family gone .the only thing that's not is my siblings. We have to stay united and weather this storm! But no matter what , I only know one thing , that I am more or less alone . Nothing is left . I don't know where to turn , what to do . All I know is that I am alone , lost in this storm . And all I wanna do is just sit down and sob and wonder if anything would ever go right again. But the best thing would be to go to sleep and never never wake up again because I just feel so so numb ...

sitting here, listening to Hugh Grant's Dance with me tonight from Music and Lyrics. It just made me think that I have been through what the lyrics were saying. no job , no money and all I wanted to do was just sit down and sob . I felt so numb then , so so numb and all I wanted to do was to just sleep . Just sleep and never wake up to the harsh realities . Of course that never happened . But somehow , everything just came out right. I got over this thing that I had with Wicky . I found a job as a tutor and somehow , I sorta worked harder in school . I just kept myself busy and yup...somehow...the pain in my heart just subsided...but it's enough to remind me that I am not cut out for such stuff..past , present and future. Not now or ever . end of story . Anyway , I have set up a business..but we are still in the setting up stage haha. And in 2 weeks time , I will be modelling a couple of clothes for the school's fashion week. It may seem to you that I am just trying to keep myself busy but in this way , I am just trying to get on with life and I think I am doing a rather good job of it . I quit PAP to concentrate on my studies and tried to get to know God more because I felt that during all these days when I was railing at God for not listening and all...he was all the time at my side , helping me through the sorrow and grief that I felt . Making me stronger . This is just randomness but somehow it is the events of my life ...random and eventful. I remembered that Wicky once told me that all he wants is a happy and eventful life. I beg to differ, that's not what I want . I want a happy and stable and peaceful life . Because I know how eventful a life is . Mine is a good example . I could probably get a grammy for it . hah. I just want my life to move on and I guess somehow, i am succeeding . It's a fact now . I quit my job , I severe all ties with my colleagues . It's also a fact . I fell in love with Wicky , broke my own heart . And emerged from this episode a stronger person . Life's random . Life's bad and good but the elements fire our soul to steel . our souls are shaped by elements to make us who and what we are now.

well, i quit my job . Actually , I just got up and left. The reason was that the boss's wife insulted me. And I didn't do anything at all! I was rather pissed off !! When my parents heard about it ,they called to give her a piece of their mind. Was rather glad that they did that . They intially wanted to go down to the centre to confront her but I managed to stop them . This was because I decided that it is of no use to do that . Just shoot an email to MOM lah. would achieve so much more. I was so pissed off that I even had a disagreement with someone. Even though Uncle Mike asked me to wait for Anna, the taunts and insults that she threw at me made me boiled and I just left . haiz...i felt sad because i rather liked some of the people that I met there.but oh well...we can still keep in contact right ? haha

What Your Ideal Wedding Dress Says About You

Your Personal Style: Classic and elegant. You prefer to make a statement with a few quality pieces. Your Ideal Wedding: Traditional and formal, but not tacky. You think the most beautiful weddings are understated. Your Philosophy on Marriage: It's a serious commitment, and the couple entering it should be ready to work for their relationship. Your Perfect Marriage: Is calm, stable, deep, and meaningful.

This past months has been rather tough for me. Firstly , I quit my job at ABN AMRO and went off for a community trip. I had a motive for going for this community trip. It was partly to prove to myself that I could do this by myself. Another motive was so that I could get away from the constant quarrels between my parents and do some thinking. And I seriously thought that what I was doing was right. However, when I was there , I knew what true happiness was. For the first time , or maybe the few times in my life , I felt happiness. Secondly, I found out that my dad has a mistress. Before, I knew it , the house erupted into chaos and I was being accused by my dad as being the destroyer of the family . I believe his exact words were, 'it's all your fault! you are the one that broke up the family ! Next time you wonder why you don't have a father , you will know that you are the one who caused all these!' It's stupid really , me being accused as having broken up the family . I felt really stunned really confused for the next few days. Until now, there is still this doubt , this hurt in me that tells me that maybe I am responsible for all the quarrels in the family ... A counsellor that I saw told me that it was definately not my fault but somehow it's so much easier than done. I guess on;y time can heal the wounds. Anyway, found a new job. hated the boss's wife cos it seems to me that she kept picking on me ! This is so stupid! Like I am interested in the boss like that thus she wants to drive me off and stuff... was thinking of quitting but someone changed my mind . I guess I will give myself till december to try it out. Maybe this will work out after all huh?