Argh! I feel so guilty now that I have said something wrong ...sigh....here's a letter of guilt and fustration that I shall address to Gerald...

Dearest Gerald,

There's some stuff that I have to say . First , the message that you received right after you message me... that was for someone else. I was just so fustrated at that person that I accidentally sent it off to you. I hoped that you were not offended by it. But if you were , well... I guess I apologise sincerely. I know that I should have sent an apology to you but I guess I was still really pissed off with you for being such a jerk , you know about misleading me and all.. and I still am. Yah I guess I was still mad at you and I decided not to do so . A childish action in trying to hurt you. I guess I wanted you to feel the same anger and hurt that I was feeling . My apologies for the hurt that you feel. Argh... this isn't going well is it? But my words and intentions are true.

Second, sometimes I wonder what you truly want from me. I wonder what in god's name I mean to you. Cos if you regard me as a good friend, please treat me like one! I hate to keep guessing at your intentions and motives. I hate this whirl of feeling that is inside me. I am tired of wondering what it is and what your motives are . Just let me off for once will ya? If your motive was to plunge me into this pool of confusion , well... congrats you did it. So stop treating me like a galfriend and start treating me like a friend!

Third, you are such a jerk! If you like tracie , so be it! Please do not drag me into it. One , I may wish to be a third party in thoughts but I ain't gonna be a third party in deed. That stupid drama that we acted out for public speaking ain't going to become reality! So please do not mislead me anymore. Frankly speaking you have been a great friend to me. I feel lucky to have you as a friend .And as a friend, I got to tell you seriously that I have never been in a relationship before . I am most vulnerable in relationships so if you do treat me as a friend. Don't mislead me anymore unless you decide to ditch your gal for her friend. And even then, I wouldn't want such a jerk such as you. Which gal in her right mind will choose a guy who hurts and confuse her? Not me , this few days of hurt and confusion that you have thrown me in is enough! And then again, dude, I guess I have to blame myself huh? Who asked me to be so naive until people just get a kick out of tricking me huh? Sometimes I seriously have to wonder if I am just stupid or simply naive.

So dude, if you regard me as a friend , treat me as one . release me from this quagmire of pain and confusion. If you regard me as a fool, go ahead and laugh at my naiveness but just so you know , say au revoir to the fool that provided free entertainment because this fool is a fool that will remember you as the one who hurt and cheated her of her feelings...I apologise for the hurt if any that I have caused you I shouldn't have done it no matter how hurt I was . my actions were uncalled for and for that I apologise. I also hope that our friendship will be one that lasts. but whether it will be that is up to you.


Love JAC.