Argh.... A levels have started and it was crappy... yesterday's physics paper 3 the questions were like huh? They asked me questions that were so different from the prelim papers that I did... Argh... I lost 10 marks ...what a waste! today's GP paper was disastrous! They asked weird questions ...I prepared terrorism and prejudice and guess what ? nothing came out! Eventually, I had to attempt a question on the supernatural... I wrote crap! Argh! And that's not it! Paper 2 was worse! I had not enough time to complete my AQ!! Argh!! I am so screwed! I don't wanna do a retake !! Friday's maths paper 1 and history paper 2... I am so godamn scared... sigh.. I am so screwed aren't I? Morale 's slipping and I have no ways or means to stop it...tears of fustration and defeat has already started rolling down my cheeks ..no worries about that! Despair , fear and anxiety has begun to set in... university or not? can I do it or not? that's the question. if only confidence in me works wonders....that would be so perfect...

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

Argh! I feel so guilty now that I have said something wrong ...sigh....here's a letter of guilt and fustration that I shall address to Gerald...

Dearest Gerald,

There's some stuff that I have to say . First , the message that you received right after you message me... that was for someone else. I was just so fustrated at that person that I accidentally sent it off to you. I hoped that you were not offended by it. But if you were , well... I guess I apologise sincerely. I know that I should have sent an apology to you but I guess I was still really pissed off with you for being such a jerk , you know about misleading me and all.. and I still am. Yah I guess I was still mad at you and I decided not to do so . A childish action in trying to hurt you. I guess I wanted you to feel the same anger and hurt that I was feeling . My apologies for the hurt that you feel. Argh... this isn't going well is it? But my words and intentions are true.

Second, sometimes I wonder what you truly want from me. I wonder what in god's name I mean to you. Cos if you regard me as a good friend, please treat me like one! I hate to keep guessing at your intentions and motives. I hate this whirl of feeling that is inside me. I am tired of wondering what it is and what your motives are . Just let me off for once will ya? If your motive was to plunge me into this pool of confusion , well... congrats you did it. So stop treating me like a galfriend and start treating me like a friend!

Third, you are such a jerk! If you like tracie , so be it! Please do not drag me into it. One , I may wish to be a third party in thoughts but I ain't gonna be a third party in deed. That stupid drama that we acted out for public speaking ain't going to become reality! So please do not mislead me anymore. Frankly speaking you have been a great friend to me. I feel lucky to have you as a friend .And as a friend, I got to tell you seriously that I have never been in a relationship before . I am most vulnerable in relationships so if you do treat me as a friend. Don't mislead me anymore unless you decide to ditch your gal for her friend. And even then, I wouldn't want such a jerk such as you. Which gal in her right mind will choose a guy who hurts and confuse her? Not me , this few days of hurt and confusion that you have thrown me in is enough! And then again, dude, I guess I have to blame myself huh? Who asked me to be so naive until people just get a kick out of tricking me huh? Sometimes I seriously have to wonder if I am just stupid or simply naive.

So dude, if you regard me as a friend , treat me as one . release me from this quagmire of pain and confusion. If you regard me as a fool, go ahead and laugh at my naiveness but just so you know , say au revoir to the fool that provided free entertainment because this fool is a fool that will remember you as the one who hurt and cheated her of her feelings...I apologise for the hurt if any that I have caused you I shouldn't have done it no matter how hurt I was . my actions were uncalled for and for that I apologise. I also hope that our friendship will be one that lasts. but whether it will be that is up to you.


Love JAC.

I feel really uneasy around gerald. The guy's weird . he likes Tracie and yet ... he acts as if I am his girlfriend. That's so er...not right. Anyway, couple days ago... left the school at 820pm and bingo the damn gates were locked!what's the point of putting a sign out there saying that the gates will be locked at 9pm when they locked it at 8pm. Stupid stupid. And yes , you guessed right. We had to climb out of the gate again. This time , I didn't get hurt . That was because I was too scared of the height. Argh!Anyway, I gave gerald the reply to the question he asked me a few days before in one of those farewell cards I wrote every body. Argh! . well.. anyway,back to the topic. I feel rather uneasy around that guy. Seriously! I have no idea what the heck he's thinking. He likes Tracie , yet he treats me like I am his girlfriend.How do I know that? he told me. yeah. Yesterday night , I was quizzing him about him and Tracie cos shan was asking me about it... and he refused to give me a definate answer. Oh well...he asked me about the qns and yah obviously , i refused to answer. What do u expect a gal to do ? shout it out loud that the reply i gave was what he meant to me? It's godamn embaressing man! Argh! Anyway, he asked me about alex and I and I was like huh? I gave him back the same vague answer by throwing his questions at him. HAH! Eventually , i got my answer through my forte. Drama. All I did was be frivolous and declare that he likes me. Then , I teased him about it ! Then, I told him the ans he wanted to know. What I was replying to. HAH. And bingo! The ans came. And then again, hah. It might not be true. Since I have been tricked so many times by some people. Sigh... sometimes, I wonder if I am just stupid or am i just naive ? I keep getting tricked by people! Argh! Anyway, That answer, whether it's the truth or not will just have to suffice. I have something to tell shan liao! Haha. Argh... I am such a great gossip! haha... Anyway, now that I know that that is true, I had better stay away from the guy. 1, I ain't gonna lose a friend over 1 stupid guy. 2, I am saving myself for my first love. HAHA... if he wasn't a friend... I would say that he's a jerk. one stupid jerk! nope...worse than that , a bastardi! how can a guy be in love with a gal and yet can have the conscience to try and fool around with her friend? such a jerk! Thank god after tomorrow, i won't be seeing him ... stupid stupid me. To think that i was so foolish to think that the guy was interested. HAH! At least I had the brains to realise it and I was lucky to not become some foolish chick who would have gotten cheated. hah! Anyway, 1 day more, and I won't see him..... thank god. no one must ever know that JAC , the ice queen was so vulnerable as to almost fall for a jerk. no one must know that jac who is jovial in all aspects is actually a sensitive little gal who is most vulnerable whenit comes to emotions and relationships. That is what no one must know...Je n'aime personne. les amours No. un de reine de glace le droit n'est pas venus. Kay has not come. that is a fact. what i got is just a jerk. Anyway... gotta put it at the back of my mind. A levels are coming....gotta work hard. 3 As and 2 Cs are my goals! not a stupid jerk who seeks to cheat his gal! Liebe ist nichts aber eine Phantasie, die ist, was alle wissen müssen.HAH. it's only for silly romantics like me who think it otherwise. HAH!

Argh! I sparained my foot. And it hurts ! like duh! And all because of me , myself and I. Pooh! Why am I so clumsy? Oh well... what happened was that Gerald and I studied in school till 9pm yesterday and bingo ! We were locked in. Sigh... the gate was locked ! Hey we reached the gate at 9pm and it was locked ! Worse still , why didn't the workers take a tour of the school before leaving! For god's sake.... they didn't check that there was no one in college before they left! Stupid stupid stupid! Anyway.. since we were locked in , we had 2 choices... spend the night or climb out of the gate... well.. we chose the climbing part. We climbed the fence and since I was super clumsy... while climbing down it... I slipped and fell.. and ouch... there goes my foot. Well.. anyway... we spent like a long time walking to the train station .. argh! lesson learnt : get out of school 15 min before the gate closed. Anyway... this morning... my foot was so bad that I didn't come to school. I canceled all my consultations . Oh well.. nothing could be done could it? I couldn't walk! My dad used chinese medical oil to rub my foot. And it hurts! I cried and cried! Then , this afternoon, I went to the docs... oh well.. if it is still that bad .. i gonna have to see the docs tmr. sigh... Anyway, I missed a little drama while having my own little adventure. Someone in my block wanted to commit sucide and the police was called in and all .. oh well..he was taken away by the police in the end.. how stupid can someone be to make an attempt at killing himself but oh well.. he must be desperate . Just like me when climbing the gate. Went home , shower, put ice on my ankle and went to sleep . Gerald seems really worried about my foot .. but oh well... he wanted me to take a cab back but I refused... because I was too lazy to walk to the taxi stand. He wanted me to get ice ... and I refused to cos it's not gonna work. I would just look ridiculous walking with a pack of ice .. having to bend every minute to apply it on my leg.. haha... And I am paying for it in terms of pain . But thank god I was able to sleep the night. haha. told shan and a couple others about it. Warned shan not to say anything to gerald and alex. No use having gerald worry about it. he has worried enough as it is. And alex... argh... just didn't want him to know. But too bad ... the cat was out of the bag cos siva told G that i didn't come to school and just now he was like asking me about it. oh well.. i just told him it was ok... you know how sprains are and all..I just don't wanna anyone see me like that and feel sorry or guilty about it. Most importantly , I just don't want anyone to know the vulnerable and fragile and weak me. Only my closest friends know and that's enough. I have a reputation to mantain if I don't wanna get hurt by others or something.Anyway... yesterday, had maths consultation ... sigh... I sat there from 1pm to 530pm ... doing maths... ms ng was like scolding and scolding and i just felt like crying and crying. I didn't of cos. when alex and gerald came during consultation to borrow stuff , i just thrust my pencil box into their hands.. I couldn't bear to look at them because I just felt like crying. I couldn't even do H1 maths for gods sakes! Anyhow..after consultation , slept in sr 2 for awhile while gerald wrote my autograph book. hah. he asked me 1 qns : what he is to me? Interesting...haven't thought about it... asked him back that... well... we are supposedly very good friends... hmm... well... what gerald is to me ... well... I can safely say that he's my great buddy... my teddy bear, my pillow and my tutor. I did think of pursuing something more but I gave up the idea. That guy still loves tracie and me? well..I have no idea. He likes to touch my hair and just hug me .. now... that's interesting ... well , as for me.... I will never dare to tear tracie and gerald apart. No matter how much courage I have , I would never dare to do that.Because They were my best friends.. So the answer I gave him was that I dunno which is the truth I guess since even if I were in love , I would never know.even if he likes me , i would never know. that's how innocent I am ..haha So what he is to me? I have some kind of idea ... but I don't rightly know . And the answer can wait till after As .Anyway.. that guy loves Tracie , he keeps her close to his heart. Literally. So yeah... I guess... unless I hear from the horse's mouth that he likes me... he will always be just this to me I guess. A very good friend.

yesterday was graduation day. oh well.. that means there's 2 weeks to A s and my grades are so lousy...argh. oh well... I went around asking peeps to sign my autograph books. Grad day was alright. my teacher prepared a survival kit for us. just goodies and some prac stuff and a message for us. It was really touching. In econs class, mr how gave a speech . I felt so touched . I was looking at my table all the while trying not to cry. You know this time , I feel so sad to be leaving this school . This is so unlike the last time in sec school... oh sigh.. anyway, after grad day, went for gp consultation. found out that it was cancelled cos of hari raya. So decided to hang out with gerald at the tables ... Actually I was waiting for him to fill up my book but oh well.. we ended up chating on love ... gp topic u see. happened to see alex at the staffroom , since gerald couldn't think of what to write first, so got alex to write it first . but oh well, he didn't know what to write in the end. oh bother. we ended up talking crap in the end. on stuff like porn. hah... it was raining and i was feeling damn cold lor. and the guys didn't have a sweater or anything . argh. oh and gerald saw my results and offered to help me with physics and maths . That was so nice of him. He spent like 2 hours guiding me through the pure maths section of the mock exam. Gosh. I was like so terrible at vectors. I practically didn't know anything and he was so patient... I mean if it was any other guy , they would just like say it once and get impatient. But he just tried to make me understand the question and sort of like you know not make me feel so stressed up and fustrated about parts I didn't know how to do. He's such a gem ... if I hadn't vowed to stay single till end of the year , I would have fallen in love with him... haha... oh well... that for sure is one great friend that I have and it sure makes my day.